I was about 13 years old when it happened. I remember exactly where I was and where I was sitting. I remember the context of why she said it to me. We were at youth group. We had just finished playing a game in our church gym and we were getting ready for the Bible lesson. I had take off a ring that my mom had bought me and I set it on my chair. I’m not sure why I took it off but I did. I needed to go to the bathroom and when I came back, the ring was gone. I asked the girl next to me if she had it but she refused to acknowledge my question. I then asked the person next to her if they saw it. Again, no one wanted to talk to me. The words she said next are words that still to this day I can hear being said me. The words play over and over again in my head. “You are such a pathological lier.” She said while looking me in the eyes. I am not sure what made her say it to me in that situation because at that moment I wasn’t lying to her about something but alas she said it and it made me question if maybe she was right. In my head, I kept trying to figure out what she had said, I had known what the word lier meant but what did she mean by pathological lier? I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond to her, I only know from that moment on that my life would be changed because what she said to me, even if it took me years to realize it.

As I look back on the last 37 years of my life, I see moments of deceit that I may not have even intended to be deceitful. Fabricating this life that isn’t always reality. Having people think that we somehow have it all together. That life is always cheerful and things are always great. Wanna know an easy place to do that? A great place to paint a picture of perfection? A place where people can see these snippets of your life and you can create a story that makes them long for more? Social media. It has made countless people pathological liars even if they aren’t intending to do it. It has created this world that isn’t reality and caused us to draw people in by creating a life that isn’t real. I can say and do things on there that make me look better than I really am. I can clean up a mess around me or frame a shot that blocks out things that I don’t want others to see. I can have my children be in a video and then record the same scene 10 times because they aren’t doing exactly what I wanted them to do. I can edit it in such a way that makes life seem like it’s simple. Truthfully, as I am typing this, a memory popped into my head. I remember there was a song that I really wanted to use in a video with the children. I had just had our 5th baby and I remember the children were all building with magnatiles together. It seemed like the best time to make the video. As soon as I started recording, chaos ensued. The baby was crying. The toddlers were fighting and I was grumpy but I really wanted to get the perfect video. I just remember trying to get the children to do what I wanted them to do and it was going to happen no matter what. I wanted this one shot even if it meant creating a video that wasn’t reality. I was creating a lie. I wasn’t being truthful when it came to having a video with a song that talked about time slowing down and savoring the little years. I remember having feelings of anger that the children weren’t doing what I wanted them to do and being upset with them. The intent of my heart was to do something that brought out feelings in people that would make them follow my account. I wasn’t being truthful or honest. Thinking back now, what I was trying to create wasn’t the life I was actually living. I was creating a lie and sometimes, I would even believe the lie myself.

Through the years, The Lord has been working on my heart and the intent of it. When I talk with others, what am I talking about? Am I making life seem grander than it really is? For example, do I talk about how we are eating healthy and not having any sugar but honestly that’s not being truthful? Do I say or do things that can have people think that there is this perfect life we are living and unintentionally create this story that isn’t reality?

“I stopped following you on instagram when grandpa passed away and when you sold Twila” someone told me a few months ago. The comment kinda took me by surprise and caught me off guard when it was said to me. I appreciated the person being honest with me but it also kinda hurt. It wasn’t was I was expecting to hear. But in the hurt, it started making me think about what I was sharing and why I was sharing it. I had made this utopia that made people want to follow along. I knew what caused certain feelings to come out in people and played on those feelings. It sometimes was real and sometimes was fake. In the end, it caused me to see what I was sharing wasn’t always honest and made me shut it all down. I tried to be authentic and real but also it’s not always what people wanted to see so I would fabricate a lie from time to time to keep followers. What happens when your real life doesn’t match the life you live online? Of course we don’t want to air out our dirty laundry. We don’t want others to see our struggles and the dirt that is under our fridge. When we get to the hearts of all of us, we see that we will do anything to have others view us a certain way, even if that means creating little lies that may not seem that bad. What happens when the little lies become more? When the little tiny snowball we started out with rolls into a massive one that just keeps rolling and getting bigger over time? It’s easy to let the small snow ball roll into a bigger one without even realzing it. I did it for far too long. It’s hard living a life one way online then living a life another way in my home. Transparency isn’t always easy but as The Lord works on my heart and in my life, I see my never ending need for a Savior. Left on my own, I am doomed and have no hope.

Time has passed since my 13 year old self was told that I was a pathological lier, I am honestly thankful for the reminder. It makes me see how easy it is to let comments come out of my mouth without even thinking. When someone asks me how I am doing, often my first response is “good” but is that a truthful response? Am I honestly good? It’s an answer that isn’t intentionally meant to be a lie but it often can be one but also I don’t want to be the doomsday person that starts giving off a long list of everything that is going on in my life. So what is the balance between honesty and not being a negative Nancy? It’s the “my heart is beating and there is breath in my lungs” type of answer. The “I am better than I deserve” Dave Ramsey answer….because we are. We may not like the things that are happening or the things that are going on but we have so many little things to be thankful for.

While I finish typing this, I am reminded over and over again that life isn’t about me and my happiness or contentment. Lord, create a content heart within me. When I feel this desire to create a life that is more than what You have blessed me with, help peel off the blinders of my eyes and open them to see the blessings You have given me. It’s easy to want to focus on myself but break me of the idol of myself and give me a heart of contentment in all things.