On July 1st, I signed out of all my social media accounts. I went to bed that night with a sense of relief but I also didn’t realize how hard it would be in the coming days.

The day after I signed out of my accounts, I went to pick up my phone. Without even thinking, I would scroll to where my Facebook app used to be but when it wasn’t where it normally is, I then searched for my instagram account. Even though I knew I had deleted them, I kept searching for them. I would find myself mindlessly doing it. I had this feeling of “now what am I going to do…how am I going to spend my free time?” This feeling of emptiness of not knowing if so and so had their baby or what ever became of the argument that John Doe and John Smith had about who was right when it came to voting a certain way. What about the person who ordered bad food at a restaurant and felt like everyone needed to know about it?

Then I saw my children do something really sweet. “Oh I need to add this to my IG stories” I thought to myself. Again, mindlessly grabbing my phone to show the world that we have this put together life style that draws others in. Showing them things that makes them want to follow my account. Sharing things that pulls on their heart strings.

When it comes to addiction, we often look at the things that are glaring us in the face. We look at someone who has trouble with drinking and think “I could never do that.” We look at the person who is on drugs and see that they are ruining their lives but often we don’t want to look at ourselves and see what addictions we may have. Smart phones and social media have changed the way we not only interact with others but also the way we respond to people. Things that we may have never even known about them, we now know and feel a need to argue with them about something that doesn’t even involve us. It can be little things that if it wasn’t for social media, you would have never seen. Like little Jonny in his carseat not buckled in right. When you see the picture, you can’t believe his mother would ever do something like that. Doesn’t she know where his chest clip goes? Doesn’t she know it’s not safe for him to have hanging toys on his carseat? Wow, she’s such a bad mom to not buckle him in right. What about the arguments that people have online? I personally found myself invested in them. I wouldn’t comment but I would read them. While reading them, these unnecessary feelings would well up inside me. I would become angry when I learned a certain persons stance on a subject that I probably would never even talk to them about in real life but now I knew where they stood and it would effect the way I felt about them when I saw them. I was addicted to reading things that were outside of my control. It was creating these feelings inside of me that would steal my happiness and joy. I would compare our lives to those I don’t even know on IG. I would find accounts of moms who had it all together. Her children were always dressed so nicely. Her home was white and clean. She would share about things that made me desire to have that life and not the one I had. She was always put together. Everything looked perfect. Why can’t our home look like that and our children be like those children?

This past week we went to the beach. While we were sitting by the ocean, I noticed a mom with a tripod set up pointing towards the water. This family had been staying in the same condo building as we were in so I had been around them since we arrived to the beach. The mom (when her camera wasn’t pointing towards her) would be on her phone and not interacting with her children. But the second she set up the tripod to record, her children were the center of her attention. She was creating content for social media to portray this wonderful beach vacation with her family but the second her phone came off the tripod, she went back to not interacting with her children. I realized that I was more like that mom than not. I was the mom that would pick up her phone and scroll. The mom that would rather have her face in her phone and then when I needed to “create content” I would interact with my children or have them act a certain way when I wanted to record a video. I was more concerned with those outside of my home than those inside it.

The Lord has shown me areas of my life of things I need to let go of. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person and when it comes to social media, I need to let go of it. Maybe it will just be for little while or maybe it will be for good. For me, my phone and social media were an addiction. It’s not something that is easy to admit but it’s true. I was allowing it to be the focus. I was picking my phone up to check Facebook and IG before I even got out of bed. My days started out worrying about someone else’s life instead of starting my day out with The Lord.

Since logging out of everything, I have found that I made a lot of excuses as to why I wasn’t able to get anything done during the day. I would look around at all that needed to get done and feel overwhelmed. The reality is, I could have gotten so much more done if I had put down my phone. It was controlling so much and I just made excuses.

I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. I don’t know if I will ever share it but putting into words what has been on my heart is something that helps me process what The Lord is teaching me. He is showing me that my happiness isn’t based on things of this world but on Him. If I look for my happiness in my husband, when he lets me down, I will feel alone. If I base it on my children, what happens when they disappoint me? I will feel like a failure as a mother. What if I base it on people or taking a dream vacation? When I place my hope in things of this earth, I keep searching for peace else where. I will never find it outside of The Lord. I will constantly be finding others things to fill this void that I have and I am searching for it in all the wrong places. Only The Lord can fill this longing that I have. We all have it. We all are searching for it but we will never find it outside of Him.

It’s only been 25 days without social media but it takes 21 days to form a habit so here’s to hoping this habit is one that sticks.